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Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

James 1:2-4, MSG

There have been many times this year that I have wanted to run hard away from this combination homeschool/at home way of doing education. I know I am not alone. I’ve compared notes with other mom friends doing this alongside me. Many days, it seems too hard.

Sometimes I think the homeschool days seem too difficult to endure because I compare them to the “at-school” days.  These are the two days my oldest 4 are in school and I look forward to getting stuff done.  These are the days I usually have time to look around and notice how the rest of the world is doing life. Allow me to recollect a real scenario on a lucky “at-school” day:

In between a day packed tight with errands, I slip in somewhere fantastic for a cup of coffee. Waiting in line, I venture to look out at the quaint tables amidst the snazzy jazzy music, and see a pair of women, probably my age. Almost always in yoga pants and yummy lip gloss. They are chatting, sitting comfortably, enjoying smooth caffeinated delight. They aren’t hurriedly running in and out. And why is that? Because their kids are probably in school 5 DAYS a week.

My jealousy brews over to the point that the whip cream I was looking forward to savoring just doesn’t taste quite as sweet because all I can think of his how I wish I could sit down and not run in and out between too many errands I chose to do today, the only day (let’s clarify…4 hours) I don’t have any children in tow. So, then, I wonder. Why? Why? Why? Concerning various topics, I question, “Why am I doing this?”

But, if I’m honest, the real question I’m usually asking is different. It’s this:

Why can’t my life be easier?

Father God in Heaven, who claims to love me more dearly than I can conceive, WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING ME TO DO HARD THINGS?

And therein lies the rub. I am asking God to make my life easy when His word, specifically the first chapter of James, tells me:

1. My sheer gift to you is My relentless love, that means something ONLY if you desperately need it.
2. Your faith life is this beautiful, colorful piece of artwork that takes time to create. It takes difficult patience to sit in the heat and pressure of the kiln, my dear.

So, I stay here. I stay teaching and loving and living like this for now because I’m not being called out of it. At least for now, I’m being called further inside. Deeper in is where I need to be, not fighting my way out prematurely.

Isaiah 58:10-12, The Message translation

“If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.  I will always show you where to go. I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places – firm muscles, strong bones. You’ll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry.  You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.”

Father, because today is already full of unmet needs right in front of me and the day hasn’t even started, please remove my guilt about the hungry who I cannot help.  Let the needs in the beds that sleep next to mine be enough.

I know their hearts are hungry, and they are the foundations I am blessed to rebuild. My children are the spring that runs out of my past. Please help me take the time required to feed the hungry souls right in front of me truth.

Your truth about who You are is what they crave.

Isaiah 43:1-4The Message (MSG)

Fear penetrates most of my decisions. As a mother, I have learned how to wield fear around like a crazy woman who claims she has precise training that comes with almost twelve years of experience. But the truth is this. The more I allow fear to drive what I choose from the pantry to feed my children for dinner or use fear as my motivation to talk to my child about why he should use his manners in public, the more I dig a hole.

The darker, deeper the hole, the more impenetrable it is to the light.  I am deceived when I think that protection is the end goal of this motherhood journey.  Protection of myself and how another mom might perceive me.  Protection of my children and how the world might speak of them when they leave a room.  And, worse. I claim all this fear that drives me is really for our own good. For our own goodness sake.

As mothers, our Father invites us to release fear in exchange for love. He paid a price for us that was never fear driven. His saving us was always love motivated.  He exclaims His love for us in His presence, His Holy Spirit ,that came to the earth to dwell with us.

He hears your voice, your plea, to release this great burden. In exchange, we get to relish in is His personal love.